For a state that’s supposed to be (in)famous for its bare knuckles style of politics, for some reason there can’t be a real debate between candidates in South Carolina. The latest gawd-awful bastardization of the medium was held Friday night in Spartanburg featuring the four Republicans seeking the South Carolina governor’s office.
It was no debate. It was a high school assembly for school president.
Gresham Barrett was the animated jock – AND lover of Jesus Christ. Can’t forget that. South Carolina IS the first notch on the Bible Belt and he knows you have to say you love Jesus ’cause voters in this state DEMAND it! Of course, everybody in school knows some of his – shhhhhhhhhh – secrets … something about hush money and a cheerleader.
Nikki Haley was the smart kid in the advanced track. Her answers had depth and she knew what she was talking about. But, she’s a girl. Can’t have a GIRL in charge! Oh, and she’s a foreigner. Isn’t she? No? Well, pass it around anyway. This school will believe anything.
Henry McMaster tried to fill the role of the thoughtful guy. The one who doesn’t let a speech impediment and out of date hair style get in the way of saying “leader” – or a variation – in EVERY sentence. It’s a subliminal tactic that’s supposed to make people think of HIM when they think of leadership. He probably read about it in some esoteric book or heard about it in some obscure art film. But instead of being cool, it makes him kinda creepy. You can just picture him showing up one day in jack boots and a long black duster with a gun underneath.
Then there’s the school nerd, Andre Bauer. Came from a broken home, ya know. Uh… that’s about it. Don’t remember much else. He looked kinda like Alfred E. Neuman. OH.. YEAH! Something about politically correct and lazy people cause illegal immigration. He might have been talking about Converse Chellis, but I’m not sure.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a real, no-kidding DEBATE, one in which participants can question and challenge other participants?
A one-on-one between Haley and McMaster would be AWESOME. Kinda like Princess Lei vs. Scooby-Doo, but without laser pistols and the charm of a great dane.
Haley: “This is our most desperate hour.”
McMaster: “Ruh Roh!” [Translation: “Uh Oh!]
Haley: “Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?”
McMaster “RahRo ReRan!” [Translation: “Ronald Reagan!”]
ANDRE! Make sure the gym is cleaned up. Where’s Barrett? What’s he doing under the bleachers?