The New World Order Is Real

My proud career with the National Security Agency and defense against the lies about its activities has generated a lot of backlash.  The primarily libertarian crowd actually believes the crap promulgated by a Russian spy and is convinced that NSA is reading every email and listening to every phone call.

Apparently, some of these folks – or others inspired by the dialogue – have done quite a bit of research on me and have discovered something that I needed to keep private. Because of this discovery and the nefarious intentions of those who have made it, I am pre-emptively revealing the information myself.

As charged, I am, indeed, a conspirator in the New World Order. To be clear, I’m not talking about the NWO of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, but the often speculated-upon one-world “shadow government.” Yes, it exists and I am part of it.

More specifically, I am a 3rd Degree Doyen in the Bilderberg Group. To put that “rank” in perspective, Henry Kissinger is a 5th Degree Doyen and Stephen Hawking is a 2nd Degree. [Hawking couldn’t do the rope climb during his initiation, costing him valuable merit points. He is also the last person picked in the annual Bilderberg dodgeball games.]

The Bilderberg Group is responsible for most of the national and global policies and events that have transpired in the last 50 years. Among them are:

  • the formation of the European Free Trade Association
  • JFK’s “election” in 1960
  • the Cuban Missile “Crisis”
  • Woodstock
  • Miniskirts (you’re welcome!)
  • Barbara Walters
  • Arpanet (precursor to the internet)
  • Watergate
  • Microsoft (did you REALLY think it started in a garage?)
  • Margaret Thatcher’s election (3rd Degree Doyen)
  • CNN
  • the Falklands “war”
  • Glasnost and Perestroika
  • “Black Monday” in 1987
  • Lech Walesa (2nd Degree)
  • O.J. Simpson’s acquittal
  • Viagra (again, you’re welcome)
  • Cute cat videos on You Tube (I voted against!)
  • Wii
  • Barack Obama (We have our reasons. Be patient)

For those familiar with “BiG” as we call it, the “Steering Committee” that supposedly administers meetings and drives issue discussions is no more than a titular group with rotating membership. The true power of BiG is in the hands of a special Secretariat, of which I am a permanent member. I will not reveal other members of this enclave other than to warn readers not to judge Jessica Simpson so harshly.

The BiG special Secretariat also controls the Trilateral Commission, the United Nations, the World Bank, Coca Cola, Area 52 and every hot dog and pretzel stand in the world. Oh, and that’s not a typo – Area 52. Area 51 is a front. ‘Nuff said.

You may wonder why a retired mid-level civil servant would be so prominent in the one organization that rules the world. There are circumstances that allow for invitation to and elevation within BiG. Genetics has much to do with it as does ones performances in special tests administered by the selection committee and the all-important talent competition.

A cooking demonstration is also required since food is a major part of every BiG gathering. I have to brag on my chicken-and-sausage recipe and, of course, my smoked spare ribs. A side note, Shinzō Abe’s Teriyaki/Cilantro Lamb is amazing, as is Dick Cheney’s Duck and Wild Rice. Following last year’s meeting in London, quite a few of us extended our stay. Everyone brought a covered dish with BiG picking up the tab for beverages and mixers. [Yes, it was BYOB] Wouldn’t you know it … Bill Clinton just stopped off at KFC and brought a bucket of chicken. Cheap bastard!

Anyway, part of our plan (we REALLY don’t like the word “conspiracy”) is to deny people like Chris Christie positions of authority. C’mon people!  A traffic jam on a bridge? That’s BiG in action.

Think about THIS.  The Super Bowl.  43-8 Seattle over Denver?  Really?  Have you wondered just a little about some (and the number) of the bizarre plays in that game?  Seahawk players can thank their chosen deity all they want, but maybe, just maybe the controlling factor was a bit less … holy.

We of the “New World Order” are looking out for your best interests because you can’t be trusted to make the right decisions. Proof?  Rand Paul?  Ted Cruz? Jim Clyburn? You wear t-shirts and flip-flops to funerals. Croakies are considered fashion accessories and hip-hop is actually called “music?” French fries are a dietary staple and muffin-tops are “chic?” Vampire movies are romantic? Adults wearing helmets while riding bicycles?  Bacon on EVERYTHING?

As for the whole NSA thing, do you really think if we were allowing this monitoring stuff we would let some cretin expose it?  You know what you REALLY need to worry about?  Reality TV shows.  That’s all I’m gonna say about it for now, but remember my warning.  [Hint: Swamp People]

Look, our intentions are not evil [as we define evil]. Just sit back and enjoy. Have a fried Snickers and watch some pro wrestling.

We’ve got this.



One thought on “The New World Order Is Real

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